I continue to be upset about a family situation with a long history. My sister, who is four years my junior, always received — and continues to receive — extra care and attention from our parents.
Dear Alice,
I continue to be upset about a family situation with a long history. My sister, who is four years my junior, always received — and continues to receive — extra care and attention from our parents.
When we were in school, she was, at best, a mediocre student, while I excelled. Throughout childhood, she was always more vulnerable than I was. She was often bullied and teased in school.
Today, she is happily married, has three children, and she and her husband have good jobs. My wife and I have two children and we both have successful professional careers. Our parents gave my sister and her husband money to help them buy a home, but did not do the same for me. The constant inequity in how my sister and I are treated by our parents continues to be upsetting.
A recent incident greatly disturbed me. Our whole family went to the theater together. In front of me, and my children, my mother bought tickets for my sister’s children but not for mine.
I want to talk with my parents about this, but my wife strongly suggests that I do not. She points out that my parents are very protective of my sister and that my saying something may lead to conflict. I might have been able to tolerate this inequality if not for the overt manner in which it is now being handled by my parents.
Please help me make sense out of this painful dilemma and be less reactive.
— Hurt and Angry
Dear Hurt and Angry,
Families are complicated. It is not at all unusual that one child in a family is treated differently from others. Since you’ve described your sister as more vulnerable as a child, you’re already aware that your parents had more concerns about her ability to navigate through life than they had about your ability. Your greater financial success is also likely to add to their view that you and your wife have fewer material needs. Of course, what they don’t realize or are choosing to ignore is that you have feelings.
Your parents are emotionally blind to the impact of their behavior on you. They believe that helping your sister and her family is the correct thing for them to do. They probably hope that you, being older and perhaps wiser, understand how much easier your life has been, and they assume that you share in their concern about your sister’s financial struggles and history of more difficult challenges.
I recommend that you talk with your parents about the pain they are causing you, and probably your children as well, by their overt and unequal generosity towards your sister’s children. Clearly, it is your parents’ choice to help your sister, but to do it so openly in front of your family is wrong.
Since your parents are likely to be defensive about their behavior, you may not receive the response you hope for. I would tell them how much you appreciate everything they have done for you and your family, that you understand the reason for their generosity toward your sister’s family, but that you are very uncomfortable with the way they are now behaving.
Once you explain that your children are affected by their behavior, your parents may be more likely to change it. If they get the message, they may become more circumspect about gifts to your sister. You can’t change their attitude, but you may be able to change how they exhibit it.
Your parents have the right to give gifts however they choose. What they are missing is that their behavior is setting you and your sister apart and building up your resentment toward them. I doubt that your parents intend this, but unless they are more conscious of their actions, this will be the result.
You have two children of your own. Let this be a good lesson for you and your wife in how to behave with them. Children pay careful attention to how each sibling is treated and who gets what. While parents don’t have to treat each child equally all the time, they will have a better relationship with their children and siblings with one another by recognizing how these slights can hurt and alienate loved ones.
Focus on your own parenting instead of your parents’ behavior. Be the parent that your own parents have not been. This will benefit your family and may even help you heal the pain you describe.
— Alice
