In communities like Rye, where high achievement is expected and perfectionism is rampant, many young adults aged 22-28 struggle with feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.
Throughout their lives, young people follow a predictable life track with their peers: preschool, elementary school, high school, and then college. After that, the built-in structure disappears, and the future is no longer scripted around school, sports, and summer camp with friends. For many, the years after college are a time of profound uncertainty.
Though college graduates may get a job, attend graduate school, and find their first apartment, their accomplishments can be minimized by social media and a distorted perception of reality where seemingly all their peers are successful, in loving relationships, take fabulous vacations, and are on their way to financial and life “success.” Young men in particular struggle with this transition. Those whose lives deviate from this perceived “success track,” who may live at home, who can’t find their footing, or are still figuring things out, may feel like failures.
Young men in their 20s often experience a lack of community and connection, resulting in feelings of loneliness, social isolation, and unsettledness. A recent Gallup poll based on aggregated data from 2023 and 2024 suggests that one in four American men ages 15-34 feels more isolated than their peers in other Western cultures. This demographic is also one of the loneliest in the United States, with 25 percent of men in this age group reporting they felt lonely a lot of the previous day, significantly higher than the national average of 18 percent. According to the American Institute for Boys and Men, 15 percent of young men today say they don’t have a close friend, which is a five-fold increase since 1990, and 46 percent of young American men say they experience daily worry.
This loneliness and lack of connection, combined with societal pressures and male stereotypes, are some of the reason there is a mental health crisis for American boys and young men. Boys and young men account for roughly 80 percent of youth suicide deaths. According to the Centers for Disease Control, men are four times more likely than women to die by suicide and less likely to access mental health care.
One major reason is that men are more likely to use violent means, which are more fatal: nearly 90 percent involve firearms. Another reason is that culturally, many boys are taught to suppress their emotions. They are told: don’t cry, man up, don’t be weak. This becomes deeply ingrained as they grow older, and by their 20s, many are adept at masking their feelings and think that asking for help is a sign of weakness. They appear fine even when they’re in pain, and their distress may not be recognized until it’s too late.
When suicide occurs in our community, as it did recently, we mourn the person who is gone and feel deeply for their family. Every statistic around suicide represents a profound loss for families, friends, and communities, far beyond mere numbers. This is a community issue, and it’s up to all of us to build a sense of belonging and create support systems for our young men that extends beyond high school and college. These could include:
• Mentorship networks that connect recent graduates with trusted adults.
• Mental health services that are affordable, local, and destigmatized.
• Career guidance programs that acknowledge and celebrate multiple paths to success.
• Peer groups that offer connection through social activities.
• Conversations at home and in schools that normalize emotional expression.
Risk Factors for Suicide
If you have a family history of suicide or child maltreatment, your family member may be at increased risk. Previous suicide attempts, mental illness (particularly depression), drug and alcohol abuse, physical illness, and chronic pain may also put a person at risk. If someone you love shows signs of hopelessness, impulsiveness, or aggression, or is isolating themselves, that also may be a warning. People who suffer loss of a relationship, social connections, or work or financial stability may be vulnerable. Likewise, people who have barriers to accessing mental health treatment or an unwillingness to seek such help due to concern about stigma could be especially at risk.
Although suicide seems like a rash decision, there are often warning signs before the person acts. If someone you love is talking about killing themselves, feeling hopeless, having no reason to live, being a burden to others, or feeling trapped or in unbearable pain, take their words seriously. Watch for increased use of alcohol or drugs and a withdrawal from activities, family, and friends. If someone is talking about ways to end their life or saying goodbye to family and friends, you may need to confront them about what they are thinking. Other warning signs include giving away prized possessions, sleeping too much or too little, excessive fatigue, and relief or sudden improvement.
Have an Action Plan
If you observe these warning signs, here are steps to take:
Ask them openly, directly, and specifically if they are thinking about suicide or are thinking about killing themselves. If they answer yes, ask them if they’ve thought about how or if they’ve gathered the means.
Ask them to tell you about what has been going on and listen without judgment.
Avoid discussing the value of life, minimizing problems, or giving advice. Try to give reassurance and hope.
Talk with them about their future plans, hopes, and dreams.
Let them know they are not alone and there are professionals who can help. Let them know that seeking help is a sign of strength and stay with them while exploring options.
If you are having suicidal thoughts or are with someone who is, call or text the national 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or someone you’re with are in immediate danger, call 911.
Lisa Dominici is the executive director of The Rye Youth Council, an organization that specializes in the social and emotional health of young people in Rye.
