If your child has access to a smartphone, tablet, or a computer, they will see pornography. This is as certain as fireworks on a Friday night in Rye.
Though more than half stumble across it unintentionally, the average age children first view pornography is around 12, and 15 percent of children see it at age 10 or younger. Forty-nine percent of teens report coming across pornography regularly.
Data from “PornHub Insights” show that 86 percent of the site’s traffic comes from mobile devices, mostly smartphones. More than half of U.S. children own a smartphone by age 10, increasing to 95 percent for teens. Sexually explicit content isn’t confined to pornographic websites. It often appears on social media platforms and video games that target teens and younger children.
The pornography children will see is not the Playboy centerfold parents may remember, which seems quaint by today’s standards. Today’s porn is violent, routinely showing women being verbally, sexually, and physically abused by men. And it portrays women enjoying it.
According to a recent “Psychology Today” article, most teens have watched violent or aggressive porn that includes choking, rape, and inflicting pain, often without consent or in “defiance of explicit statements of non-consent.” Research published in the “International Journal for Sexual Health” has suggested that exposure to pornography at a young age may be related to poor mental health, sexism and objectification, increased sexual aggression, interpersonal relationship problems, and other negative outcomes.
If pornography is this present, how can parents protect their kids? Parents can do a lot to influence how their children view relationships, intimacy, and body image. A “Common Sense Media” study showed that teens were far more likely to say they had learned a lot about sex from a parent, caregiver, or trusted adults (47 percent) than from pornography (27 percent). Conversations with your child are an opportunity to help them find better options for exploring sexual curiosity.
Your goal is to create an open, age-appropriate, ongoing discussion about sex and pornography. You don’t want to scare or shame children or teens about pornography, but rather equip them with understanding, values, and guidance so they can ask questions, feel supported, and safely navigate what they see online.
What parents can do
For younger children and tweens, the first step is to block content with your WiFi router. If your router doesn’t include parental controls, devices such as Bark at Home or Aura can connect to your router and block the offending content. In addition, add filters to your internet and cellular devices, and then monitor them.
Wait until eighth grade or even later before giving your child a smartphone, decrease the amount of time your child uses a device alone, and monitor what they are doing online.
Talk to your child about what they might see online and what they should do if they discover porn. “Put it down and tell someone,” is simple and reassuring. Discuss who they should tell, let them know it’s not their fault that they saw the content, and ask if they have questions.
It may seem silly but defining porn for your tween is really important. It is, simply put, people making videos or pictures of sex to sell online. Start early, and understand that the conversation, while perhaps awkward, is an opportunity to point out how porn does not represent real relationships or sex and to discuss healthy sexual behaviors, sexual curiosity, and the values that are important to you about healthy, consensual sexual activity and intimacy. Let your child know they can come to you with questions, no matter how awkward, and remember to respond calmly and without judgment. According to “Common Sense Media,” teens who have discussed pornography with a trusted adult reported that such conversations left them feeling better about sex and themselves.
Teens should know that they are likely to see pornography and remind them that that they can come to you if they are ever concerned about what they are seeing. Like many conversations you may have with your teen, accept that your discussion about pornography could be one-sided and met with eye rolls. Even if your teen seems not to be listening, they probably still hear what you say to them. And be aware that this may not be a “one and done” situation — more questions could arise later.
Connection to our children helps keep them safe and healthy. When we have calm conversations, education and guidance around the topic of sexual curiosity and pornography, we equip them to trust in us, and to make healthy, informed choices.
