Along for the Rye’d
By Annabel Monaghan
I’m running a one-star hotel. I’m not worried about improving my rating, as it’s peak season and all of the rooms are full. There aren’t a lot of other options for my guests at this time of year, so the myriad of complaints to management about the quality of service go largely ignored.
Breakfast is the real strength of this establishment, the diamond in its crown. Breakfast is available between the hours of 6am and 1pm, allowing for work, camp and party schedules alike. Our chef is highly caffeinated and motivated during these hours and is happy to provide meals customized to all guests’ likings: omelets with sautéed vegetables and an avocado garnish, oatmeal with nuts and berries, pancakes from scratch, or bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches on your choice of bread. We offer a side of mixed fruits and a staggering variety of breakfast meats.
We do not serve lunch.
Dinner is served when it’s ready, and not a minute before. So management would like to remind guests that continually asking when it will be ready does not speed up the service. Dinner is served as one meal and we are sorry that we cannot accommodate requests for substitutions. Guests who are hungry after dinner are welcome to visit any one of our town’s fine fast food establishments at their own expense. A complete listing is available by typing “Google” into any device.
It’s been said that the laundry service in this hotel is a bit erratic. We prefer to call it “weather-dependent.” During a week with consecutive sunny days, it is likely that guests will be reusing dirty clothes. If it has recently rained, they can expect clean ones. We hope that our guests understand that the weather is beyond our control. Management has offered all guests full use of the self-service laundry facilities, free of charge. That offering has not proved to be popular among this season’s clientele.
Historically, in an effort to be green, we have informed our guests that if they wish to reuse a towel, they can let us know by hanging it up. Only towels thrown on the floor will be washed. This policy was changed when management realized that all towels at all times were being thrown on the floor. The revised policy is for all towels to be ignored indefinitely.
Transportation is provided free of charge by the hotel’s Volvo wagon. Complaints about or even allusions to the cleanliness of this vehicle are ignored and considered ironic. The shuttle runs to and from the train station on demand as needed as well as to points of interest within the hotel’s zip code. Transportation farther afield must be arranged separately and at the guest’s expense.
Cleaning staff comes to the hotel once weekly on Tuesday mornings. If any guest opts to sleep until noon that day, he forfeits his right to that particular service.
Our guests regularly attend the mandatory Sunday night bar-b-que, mainly because the food is better than what’s prepared in the kitchen. And also it’s mandatory. Otherwise our offering of activities hasn’t seemed to hit the mark. Walking the dog, transporting recycling bins and long conversations with hotel staff about college plans don’t seem to compel our guests to participation. But we do offer free WiFi and unlimited gaming access, so that should count for something.