McKinney — Cannavale
Siobhan McKinney of Rye and Bronxville native Frank Cannavale were married September 7, 2019 at Resurrection Church in Rye. The couple met while working in Washington, D.C., as aides to Green New Deal architects Senator Ed Markey of Massachusetts and Congressperson Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York. They bonded over long hours, helping to craft a bill to save this planet from elimination, unless by drone from Iran. (AOC sent her regrets owing to “a lack of diversity in the wedding party”.)
The Newlyweds decided not to upset their green moral compass when selecting a honeymoon destination. No fossil fuels, no problem! They would board the Silver Star, the jewel of Amtrak and travel 1,522 miles over 30 hours to reach Miami. Next, they would paddleboard 80 miles to the eco-friendly Bimini Big Game Club & Resort in the Bahamas (this side of the island was spared by Dorian).
The honeymoon suite would be none other than Amtrak’s finest sleeper, The Viewliner Roomette. Room dimensions: 3 x 6, complete with bunk beds with the lower coming in at a spacious 2.4 x 6 and the top fit for a king at 2.6 x 6. Communal showers, but an open-air, in-room toilet. (The name notwithstanding, no couple has yet to consummate their vows in this special space.)
Siobhan, radiant as ever, looked at her dream man and said, “Baby I didn’t eat a morsel at the reception, can we get some room service before we get down to business?” Seven minutes later, the railway’s signature Ultimate Cheese Platter, a delectable, dairy-infused sampler of White, American, Velveeta, and Jalapeno Monterey Jack.
After taking no more than four bites, the bride told the groom to leave the room, go to the club bar, and not return until she texted him. The Velveeta does it every time!
Upon Frank’s return, Siobhan visibly enraged by the unappetizing food, the unromantic environs began yelling. “Why did your mother choose that awful Sara Lee Yellow china for our rehearsal dinner? Oh sure, defend her, classic only child!”
The groom, taken aback, replied. “What about those vegan loafers made out of recycled thread that you made the groomsmen wear? After they all broke out in hives, the wedding planner had to race to CVS for every last tube of cortisone.”
Was the demise to their short-lived marriage caused by the underwhelming honeymoon suite, the government cheese offering, the only child remark, or was the final straw the blasphemous slight against Green footwear?
Siobhan and Frank got off at the BWI stop and took separate flights home. Just think, they were 1,300 miles and 9 hours of paddle-boarding away from beginning a new life as Mrs. and Mr. Cannavale.
Advice for honeymooners: Jet Blue flies direct to Jamaica, St. Barts, Antigua, and the Bahamas. Sex, Drinks with plastic straws, Sun. Repeat.