When Emotional Support Animals Break Bad
By Spencer Stapleton III & Clive Cumberbatch IV
In the last few years, the United States government has received an unprecedented number of applications to register pets as “Emotional Support Animals” (ESA’s). According to the USA Service Dog Registration, Emotional Support Animals are meant to “provide emotional and therapeutic benefit to those suffering with emotional issues, anxiety, or psychiatric problems.” However, what started out as a form of therapy to help people in need of emotional support has been exploited by those of immense means and transformed into a deranged symbol of wealth and status.
This fact should come as no surprise if you’ve ever sat next to a barking bernadoodale, labradoodle, or any “doodle” combination on a flight. Further, at Newark airport last year, a woman, who goes by “Ventiko,” tried to board an American Airlines flight with her Emotional Support Peacock named Dexter. And then last week, the already-dire situation took a bloody turn.
On Monday, a Rye woman named Susan Goodacre was mauled to death by her Emotional Support Animal, a Komodo Dragon named Karl (known to Susan’s closest friends as Karl The Komodo.) Mrs. Goodacre became Emotional Support Animal eligible after being diagnosed with “Trump Derangement Syndrome” (a condition only recognized by the states of California, New York, and Oregon) in early 2016 and decided to use her diagnosis as an opportunity to one-up her nearby resident on Manursing Way who had just registered a Macaw ($27,000) as an ESA. Although the importation of Komodo Dragons is considered illegal by every government in the world, due to the lizard’s potent and venomous saliva, Susan was able to find a loophole. Using her now-deceased husband’s political connections, she got in touch with the Minister of Environment in Indonesia, Siti Nurbaya Bakar, who sent Mrs. Goodacre a newborn komodo dragon in return for 4,243,641,610 Rupiah ($300,000 USD).
While her neighbors were at first alarmed by the new addition to the Goodacre home and their community, they were pleasantly surprised to find that Karl was highly useful in curbing the deer-infestation problem that had long plagued the isthmus. However, once the deer problem in the area had been eradicated, neighbors suspected that Karl had started turning to new prey on the picturesque street — in recent months, Scotch (beloved maltese), Buckley (adored bulldog), and Chauncy (cherished Irish setter) were all reported missing. And then, last week, Karl decided to taste something he had never tried before: human flesh.
Susan was last seen at Longford’s with Karl, wearing his red ESA vest, at around 2:30pm on Monday buying a pint of the Komodo Dragon’s favorite flavor, Party Cake. Longford’s scooper, 17-year-old “Catch” McDermot, said: “Karl and Mrs. Goodacre seemed good. Woah, ‘good’ is in her name.” But apparently, Catch’s scooping skills are better than his instincts. Mrs. Goodacre’s body was found by her bird-enthusiast neighbor, Holly Randall, on Wednesday. Holly told the Rye Record, “it was a devastating sight… she was wearing an Old Navy sweater, I didn’t know she shopped there. And Karl was nowhere to be found. I hope the guilt is eating him alive.” The Rye Record also reached out to Minister Bakar who went on record saying: “we sent Mrs. Goodacre DRGN-1 to reverse any dragon bites she may endure. Only 8 people have been killed by komodo dragons since 1974. They’re friendly lizards. Mrs. Goodacre must have done something to set Karl off. Indonesia takes no responsibility for his actions.”
The Commissioner Of Rye Public Safety then made a statement on Wednesday regarding Mrs. Goodacre’s death: “We here in Rye have zero tolerance for animal attacks on our citizens. Therefore we are no longer taking ESA requests for any animals with ferocity levels higher than that of a dachshund.”
Susan Goodacre was 79.