When hateful words or symbols appear in our community, as they did recently with swastikas drawn at Rye Country Day School and Rye Middle School, the initial focus is often culpability.
Sure, we’d all like to know who is responsible for such a heinous act, but an equally important concern is how we talk to the young people in our lives about those actions.
Hate speech is defined as any kind of communication in speech, writing, or behavior that attacks or discriminates against a person or group’s identity, such as religion, ethnicity, nationality, race, color, descent, disability, age, gender, or sexual orientation.
Young people who encounter hate speech may also experience problems with their mental health. Hate speech isn’t just words: it can include images, cartoons, games, videos, objects, gestures and symbols, like the swastika.
It is intended to provoke fear, distress, and division.
Research consistently shows that hate speech contributes to anxiety, depression, and lowered self-esteem. Studies published by numerous international childdevelopment organizations find that adolescents who regularly encounter hate speech report significantly higher levels of anxiety and depressive symptoms. National surveys show that nearly 60 percent of teens have seen hate speech online, and those who feel targeted are at increased risk for loneliness, lowered self-esteem, fear, and even self-harm.
In an email to the congregation following the discovery of the swastikas, Cantor Melanie Cooperman of Community Synagogue of Rye wrote, “Our children are watching how we respond. They are asking, in their own ways, whether they are safe, whether this matters to the adults around them, and what they are supposed to feel.”
So how do we talk to our kids about hate speech, help them recognize it, and know what to do when they encounter it? A good place to start is by defining hate speech, who it may target, why people may use it, and how it makes its victims feel. Explain that hate speech hurts feelings, divides us, and can lead to violence. Take the opportunity to discuss how people should treat each other, despite their differences.
When the conversation is sparked by an occurrence like the swastikas at the schools, a clear, calm approach can help kids feel safe. If you don’t address it or avoid the conversation altogether, it leaves your children to make sense of what they are seeing on their own.
Start by asking your kids what they know, listening to their answers nonjudgmentally, and reinforcing that hate speech is hurtful and never acceptable. You can also emphasize that if they ever hear, see or experience hateful language or symbols, you’d want to know about it, because experiencing hate is genuinely harmful and scary, and you’d want them to feel safe. Let them know you would alert the appropriate authorities — hate speech is not OK and could lead to violence. If the incident occurred at school, you can also tell them that you would notify the principal. If it was in a different space, you would notify the police.
Begin with simple questions: What have you heard? What have you seen and what do you think it means? How did it make you feel? The approach for elementary-aged children can center on empathy, fairness, and kindness. Together, explore and consider the impact of words and hate symbols, and explain how they can make people feel sad, mad, disappointed, worried, or scared. Connecting words to feelings builds empathy and reinforces how words can be harmful and make people feel unsafe.
Conversations with middle and high school students can explore the meaning and significance of symbols, historical consequences of bias and hate, and the importance of tolerance and respect. Use the occurrence to define your family’s core values, and have your child think or write about their core personal values. UNICEF and the United Nations websites have excellent materials to help with these difficult conversations.
Children model what they see and hear. Lead by example with your own words and actions, taking every opportunity to reject hate speech, stand up for human rights, and support those who are targeted.
Doing so will help create a community where children feel safe and valued.
Lisa Dominici is executive director of the Rye Youth Council, a Rye-based nonprofit that promotes social-emotional development, strengthens resilience, and supports youth mental health.
