Psychotherapist Robin Bezark choked back tears as she read aloud from “I Love You the Purplest,” a children’s book by Barbara M. Joosse.
The book tells the story of a mother who consistently finds creative ways to praise both of her children, even when they’re angling to one-up each other to win her affection.
Bezark said the story always makes her emotional. And she shared the story with a recent gathering of parents who went to hear her speak about sibling rivalry as part of the “Heard in Rye” series.
The book’s story of placating two sparring children hit home for the mostly young parents at the Wainwright House. They listened to Bezark tell stories of her own family and practice, all providing tips on how to better understand sibling rivalries. The talk was titled “He’s Breathing My Air.”
“ Kids behave the way they do for a reason,” Bezark said. “Even the most egregious behaviors have meanings and reasons behind them.”
Over the course of an hour, Bezark outlined why kids may harbor intense negativity toward their siblings, and why parents can, often unintentionally, make matters worse.
When children see finite resources of time and attention suddenly divided in half with the introduction of a new sibling, they may feel an urge to compete for parental love. At the same time, parents may find themselves comparing their children with one another, which can be damaging to a child’s psyche — even if the comparisons are positive, such as remarking to one child that they get into less trouble than another does.
“What happens to the child then?” Bezark asked. “She thinks ‘I better not be bad. If I’m bad or I get in trouble, my mom is going to be upset with me.’”
Bezark’s main message was that children may be emotionally underdeveloped, but they can be very perceptive to stressors. Though tantrums, for example, may appear to be a mark of immaturity to parents, they are vehicles of real, building emotions that should be validated.
“Validation does not mean accepting the behavior, but it does mean supporting emotions,” she said. “When we stuff our feelings, they get more intense and they fuel acting out. Clearly helping our children put their emotions into words is going to be helpful.”
Bezark said that children in the same family can’t realistically be given equal treatment. She added a word of advice from the parenting book “Siblings Without Rivalry”: “Children don’t need to be treated equally, they need to be treated uniquely.”
“It’s crazy to think that we could treat our children equally,” Bezark said.
She had offered an example of two twins, one who was autistic and needed a lot more financial and emotional support than the other: “They have different needs, different ages, different interests, but it is important to be explicit about the treatment when it’s different, and to acknowledge that they may have feelings about it.”
She added that parents should confirm negative feelings and approach the situation with compassion and curiosity rather than frustration.
“I wish I could give you five silver bullets that would assure that your kids get along great,” she said, reassuring parents that there may not always be a straightforward fix. “It’s important to bring compassion to ourselves and to have realistic expectations.”
