By Carrie Donahue and Lisa Weinman
As school starts, middle school parents may feel like they are climbing back onto a roller coaster of emotions.
They’re not wrong.
Like a roller coaster, middle school can be a wild ride for kids. They might laugh, hold on for safety, or even scream in delight and fear as they ride. For parents, the hardest part is standing by and watching.
But watching is precisely what your child needs.
Here are three reasons why:
Your Child Is Learning Who They Are: Middle schoolers are in a period of rapid change. Their brains rewire, bodies transform, and they start to tiptoe into the big question of, “Who Am I?’ It can feel like a new version of your child shows up every couple of weeks. A student once explained that some days her mom made pancakes, and other days she didn’t, but either way, she felt annoyed. For everyone involved, this can be dizzying. But it helps to know this is exactly what’s supposed to happen.
During this twisting and turning time period, friendships shift, interests change, and confidence spikes and dips in unpredictable ways. Child psychologist Lisa D’Amour writes, “As one of my friends put it, ‘My daughter has five different, extreme emotions before eight in the morning.’” Trying on new identities, experiencing emotions, exploring new social circles, and testing different passions are healthy expressions and part of the growth process.
More than just normal, this is essential.
They Learn by Experimenting: Middle schoolers are armed with amazing developmental strengths. They are curious, love to explore, and eager to try new things. When middle schoolers feel free to try new things, they learn not only about where they excel but also where they struggle. This type of self-awareness is an important foundation of what’s known as a “growth mindset.”
If you can help your middle schooler understand this mindset, they will also begin to understand that they don’t have to be great at everything and that they will grow by trying things. Growth mindset, according to Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, assumes that your “basic qualities are things that you can cultivate through your efforts, your strategies, and help from others.”
By exploring, they begin to see that practice leads to progress, and that effort and hard work make a difference.
Mistakes Are Important: Entrepreneur Sara Blakely reports that her father always asked at the dinner table, “What mistakes did you make today?” As a result, she learned that mistakes are an important part of exploration and curiosity. The more interest you express in your child’s experiences on the middle school ride, the less fear you’ll communicate and the more open their lens will become. By demonstrating curiosity, you have a broader range of tools at the ready, you can remain calm, and you gain perspective on what worries you.
Instinctively, parents want to protect kids from mistakes, especially in a world where social media can make even small missteps feel permanent. Although some mistakes do carry real consequences, minor bumps are essential to learning to tolerate distress, experience growth, and to clean up your own messes. Curiosity is not so much about fixing an issue, changing a child’s mind, or steering outcome. It’s about truly listening to understand. “Tell me more” or “I want to understand that better,” are phrases that allow kids to reflect and problem-solve on their own while planting seeds of independence and emotional flexibility.
If you can accept that the rapid changes are developmentally appropriate, adopt a growth mindset that recognizes and supports your child’s strengths, and bolster your kid’s confidence by saying, “You’ve got this, keep going,” you can worry less and celebrate more of your child’s possibilities.
Although it’s difficult to watch all of this emotional upheaval unfold, there’s no need to experience every dip, steep climb, or free fall of your child’s roller coaster ride. You’ll be far more helpful if you stand alongside the ride and support them as they exit. Acknowledge their feelings and allow them to navigate on their own. Then offer a hug, a high-five, and maybe even a “Wow, you did it!”
That mix of encouragement and celebration sends a powerful message: I see you, I believe in you, and I’m excited for the ride ahead.
Parent Reality Check
Friendships will change — and that’s normal. Elementary school friendships, based on a shared teacher or a parent’s friendship, may shift in middle school toward shared interests.
New passions will come and go. As they figure themselves out, today’s soccer star might be tomorrow’s debate champ — or decide that neither is their thing.
Their identity will be in motion. Expect regular “new editions” of your child as they try on new versions of themselves.
They’ll surprise you with their capabilities. Give them a cause they care about and they’ll organize, lead, and follow through in ways homework never quite inspires.
Don’t ride every loop. Offer plenty of support and save your energy for the moment they come off the roller coaster — that’s when your hug matters most.
Find help in a podcast: This episode of psychologist Lynn Lyons’s Flusterclux podcast is especially helpful for anxious kids and parents: https://tinyurl.com/sk5dt3nz.
Carrie Donahue is a clinical social worker and Lisa Weinman is a program director at the Rye Youth Council and co-founder of Middle Years Matter.
