Somewhat Remarkable Dads Present: Tips For Surviving The Holidays

 By  Spencer Stapleton III & Clive Cumberbatch IV

Tip #1: Do not, under any circumstance, ever, no matter what, under any circumstance, get your wife a Peloton for Christmas.

 

Tip #2: Uber to and from your in-laws. The only thing worse than your father-in-law repeatedly saying, “You won the lottery marrying my daughter”, is getting a DUI on the way home.

 

Tip #3: Your never-married brother-in-law asks you to help him cut down the “perfectly symmetrical Christmas tree” in Monroe on Saturday. Two words: “squash injury.”

 

Tip #4: Flasks are out, nalgenes are in. Eco-friendly. Aerodynamic. Inconspicuous.

 

Tip #5: Yes, the $700 iPhone your son wants will save you from years of continued congenital hatred.

 

Tip #6: How do you make your mother-in-law from fall in love with you? A $250 gift card to Neiman Marcus.

 

Tip #7: Plan ahead with the wife for the likely event that your sister (who claims to have been decades ahead of the “indoor cycling trend”) asks you to be an angel investor in her all-hemp lipstick line.