My son is getting married in a few months. He is the second of my two children to marry. My daughter, with whom I am very close, was married last year. I am anxious about maintaining the strong relationship I have with my son, but several friends have told me that their sons have become distant from them since their wedding.

 

Dear Alice,

 

My son is getting married in a few months. He is the second of my two children to marry. My daughter, with whom I am very close, was married last year. I am anxious about maintaining the strong relationship I have with my son, but several friends have told me that their sons have become distant from them since their wedding.

 

My husband and I have tried to maintain strong family ties by frequent visits to our own parents and making sure they are very much a part of our lives. I admit we have probably spent more time with my parents, but I have tried to respect the importance of my husband’s family as well. This has been challenging at times because of their clear preference for their daughter over me. My resentment over this may have spilled out a bit, but I have always said that what matters most is family.  Now that our son’s wedding is coming up, I want to avoid problems that I have experienced within my marriage and maintain a loving relationship with our son and his wife.

 

Do you have any helpful suggestions?

 

— Worried

 

Dear Worried,

 

Your concern is a common one. Many parents of sons worry that they will lose the closeness they have after he marries. In our society it is not unusual for the wife’s parents to have a special position in the couple’s life. There are several reasons for this. Daughters often remain emotionally connected to their mothers after their marriage, and are at ease discussing issues of homemaking, childrearing, and friendships. Sons may have been deeply loved by their mothers, but these intimate conversations are less likely to occur between mother and son. Additionally, a daughter-in-law may be uncomfortable with a husband who remains too involved with his mother. Fathers and sons, having spent significant time together in the past, can more easily continue to do so after a marriage.

 

Your challenge is to help your daughter-in-law feel important and connected to you. You experienced how hurtful it was for you to be less important than your sister-in-law. This knowledge should serve as your wake-up call. You need to do everything you can to treat your daughter-in-law with kindness and warmth. Your son is also likely to be watching to see how you treat his wife, since she may become a stand-in for him.

 

Your daughter-in-law will try to determine what your family dynamic is and see how emotionally safe she feels in your family. In addition, surely your son has told her about how his family members treated each other. Between these two sources of information, your daughter-in-law will be forming opinions. You want to make the best impression on her.

 

As you enter these next months until the wedding, reach out to her and be sensitive to her needs. Avoid saying or doing anything she could perceive as critical, especially when it comes to the common stresses associated with wedding planning. 

 

One easy way to remember how to avoid problems is to follow the oft-given advice: “Show up, shut up, and wear beige.” Be generous with her, offer to help with the wedding plans, find out what concerns she has about the event, and help her problem- solve if she asks. Also, get to know her parents. Invite them to your home.

 

By not being obtrusive and overbearing, you may be able to avoid some of the problems you have heard about. If you have a concern about something regarding the wedding, avoid making an issue about it, and certainly don’t talk against her to your son. Beware of complaining about her to your daughter, your parents, or even your friends since someone may slip up and reveal a confidence that could poison your future family harmony. Sharing such private thoughts with anyone other than your husband is risky.

 

This wedding is only the beginning of your new relationship. Ensure that it goes well so that you will have a good foundation for the future. People often get tense around the time of the wedding and forget that it is not as important as the family you want to create.

 

Best wishes,

 

Alice