Whether you’re hosting or attending a Super Bowl party, there’s no doubt that you’ll run into a few of these unsavory characters on February 5.

 

By Jim Byrne

 

Whether you’re hosting or attending a Super Bowl party, there’s no doubt that you’ll run into a few of these unsavory characters on February 5.

 

The Bandwagon Bozo

Yup, he was the world’s biggest J-E-T-S fan the past few years, going so far as to proclaim he’d kiss Rex Ryan’s feet if it meant a first Gang Green championship since Broadway Joe was King of New York. Now? You’d figure this guy was in the Mara clan with all the praise he’s heaping on Eli and the Giants. Buddy, you have to pick a team. There is no sports bigamy allowed in New York!

 

Guy That Doesn’t Like “American Football”

 

Likely to be one of those people who claim they “don’t even own a TV”. Acts pretentious and looks down his nose during the festivities. “When it comes to sport, there is no denying that the game you people call soccer is vastly superior,” he says with a sneer. Will be asked to leave before the end of the first quarter. Drives away in a Smart Car.

 

Guy Wearing Gear of Team Not in Super Bowl

 

The Buffalo Bills haven’t been to the Super Bowl since early in the Clinton administration – heck, they haven’t made the playoffs since the 1999 season – but that won’t stop this guy from dusting off and throwing on his Thurman Thomas jersey that’s two sizes too small.

 

Just There for the Commercials

 

He or she cheers for both teams to score because it means the commercials are next. Doesn’t understand the rules of the sport, and thinks it’s funny to yell “go for the fake punt!” every other play. Shushes the other guests when the E*TRADE baby comes on and laughs incessantly at the painfully unfunny light beer commercials. Why are we even friends with this person?

 

The Mooch

 

“Oh hey, was I supposed to bring something to eat? I’m sorry, I must have missed that e-mail.” Dude, you couldn’t stop at the gas station to pick up a bag of Fritos at the least? This guy, who suddenly seems equipped with Tyrannosaurus Rex arms whenever asked to reach into his pockets, is the relative of …

 

The Overeater

 

Slow down on the grape jelly meatballs, jack! Hey, no double dipping in the salsa! There is a lot of fasting that takes place leading up to party time, but that’s still no excuse for inhaling the entire plate of chimichangas.

 

Guy with Silently Angry Girlfriend (She Didn’t Even Want to Come and Wants to Leave NOW)

 

If looks could kill, this guy’s family would already be making funeral arrangements. She rolls her eyes when he cheers his team on, and kills his jokes with acid-laced one- and two-word darts. You can cut the tension in the room with a knife, until he finally gives in and takes her home. When chatting about the game’s crazy finish with him the next day, he sheepishly reports he missed it because his girlfriend wanted to watch the Jennifer Lopez film “Maid in Manhattan” for the 15th time.

 

Constant Cleaner

 

Never agree to let this person host a Super Bowl party. Even if you remind them that everyone will help with cleaning the joint up after the game, they’ll be wiping and scrubbing throughout the contest. You might even end up with a little Windex in your beer. Not a good mix.

 

Drinks Too Much Guy

 

Plastered by the time the “National Anthem” plays, and won’t stop complaining about how the Super Bowl should be played on Saturday so he can “really get down”. At halftime he insists that Madonna is still hot, and says he kind of digs her British accent. Passes out on the couch during the third quarter, and remains in place until 7 a.m. when host kicks him out before heading to work.

 

Guy Who Makes Fun of Fan for Being “Too Serious”

 

If your team is in the Super Bowl, you’re allowed to be serious and intense. It’s just the way it is. Don’t be a jerk by messing with these people, because it’s entirely possible that they’ll snap. They see you looking at them, smiling, when they’re quarterback has just thrown an interception. Whatever you do, don’t tell them it’s “just a game” or you’re going to be wearing the baked ziti.

 

Grandma

 

I love my grandma, but I can’t help but laugh when she hoots and hollers during the replay touchdown because she thinks it’s happening in real time. Classic grandma move!

 

Healthy Snack Guy

 

“You know, you really shouldn’t eat chicken wings. If you knew where they came from …” Hey, everyone loves the veggie tray. It’s a great starter and finisher. But the Super Bowl is the second-biggest day of feasting next to Thanksgiving. Let us enjoy it without being reminded that there are enough calories in one White Castle slider to kill a Rhinoceros.

 

Guy Who Won the Box Last Year and Won’t Shut Up About It

 

During the regular season, he’s the guy so absorbed in the fantasy football world that he no longer cares about the actual sport, to the point where he is cheering his fantasy player on against his favorite team. At the Super Bowl, since fantasy football ends in the regular season, he gets his fix on buying an inordinate amount of boxes. He keeps reminding everyone, out loud, about how the game miraculously broke in his favor last year, and is going through, out loud, all the permutations necessary for him to win this year. Some will tell him, rudely, to pipe down.

 

Pink Brady Jersey Girl

 

It’s bad enough that people around these parts would even cheer for the Patriots (I’d personally rather root for an umpteenth Brett Favre comeback). Now, you’re going to compound that by wearing a pink Tom Brady jersey? Oh, the humanity!

If you can somehow avoid this cast on Super Sunday, then thank your lucky stars. And go Giants!