Harvard-trained psychologist Catherine Steiner Adair kicked off the 2014-2015 “Heard in Rye” speaker series with a powerful message to parents: Back off and don’t let your smart phone rule your life.

 

By Sarah Varney

Harvard-trained psychologist Catherine Steiner Adair kicked off the 2014-2015 “Heard in Rye” speaker series with a powerful message to parents: Back off and don’t let your smart phone rule your life.

In a talk titled “Got Grit? The Call to Educate Smart, Savvy, and Socially Intelligent Students,” the author, whose latest book is “The Big Disconnect,” mixed parenting advice with anecdotes from her 25 years of research gleaned from working with and talking to 1,000 children ages 4-18, largely culled from the private school population. Most of those anecdotes addressed the hypocrisy that parents exhibit when they text and drive, take calls at dinner and during family time, and find it hard to break away from work email even as they tell their kids to put down the game controller.

Adair related an anecdote from one teen who bemoaned the fact that when Mom drives with members of the child’s team, she is careful not to text while she drives, but at other times she does so with impunity. “She says she loves us, but then she gets mad when we tell her to stop texting. She doesn’t do it when she drives the team, so why is it okay when it’s just me in the car?”

Technology and the opiate of instant gratification make it harder and harder for kids to develop self-control, noted Adair. Self-control and “grit” or perseverance in the face of disappointment are two attributes that children need in order to succeed in life and imparting those lessons is tough when a child is constantly competing for attention with an iPhone. Parents who spend time with family talking on the phone instead of talking to their children are a frequent topic of complaint when teens talk to Adair. “On the ski lift? Really? Is there any time when family comes first?” one girl asked in frustration.

It’s equally difficult to nurture other important traits, stressed Adair. Encouraging children to be curious, enthusiastic, and optimistic is tough to do when parents regularly disappear to check email. “A child may be excited that Dad is coming home and may run to greet him with a hug, but when Dad recoils and says ‘Give me a minute’ in his office voice, that excitement goes away,” she said.

Adair advised parents to “outsmart your smart phone.” If you absolutely have to take a call or return an email, remind yourself to use your nice parent voice and say ‘I’ll be with you in just a minute.’

Among the high-achieving cohort, stressful jobs are a given and parental anxiety is unsurprising. “We are an unusually anxious generation of parents,” she noted. “Our kids are constantly being assessed.

Everything they do is evaluated and they feel like they’re under a magnifying glass all the time.”

Many times, parents express that anxiety by becoming overly involved in their children’s school lives as well. Texting your child with a quick “How’d it go?” after a test seems innocuous, but a text message lacks tone and children can feel pressured by such intrusions. Hiring tutors they may not need, rewriting a child’s essay, doing homework for them is all a mistake, emphasized the author.   

It’s emblematic of giving our children too much, too soon, she says. “If your kid wants to play tennis, don’t go out and buy them the most expensive racquet right off. Let them work up to it and learn with equipment that’s equivalent to their skill level,” advised Adair. She calls this approach “scaffolding.”

But making mistakes such as buying your child a tennis racquet that’s too advanced for him is minor compared to giving your children too much leeway with their high tech devices. “It is critical not to allow kids to have a screen in their rooms when they go to sleep,” she emphasized. Children should not sleep cuddled up next to their laptops.

And beware of the potential difference between how your child behaves in person and how they behave online. “The disconnect between a child’s online persona and who they are in school is often huge. When you see how they react online without filters, it can be a shock,” Adair said. “Teach your children not to say anything online that they wouldn’t say to someone’s face.”

The digital world, online personas and the distance that technology can create between parents and children is creeping down to toddlers and babies in alarming ways, Adair relates. “One young parent asked me, ‘How do you change a diaper without a smart phone? said Adair. She says handing your baby or toddler a smart phone to distract them is a serious mistake. It not only teaches the child to crave stimulation, it can detract from a parent’s empathy for a child, Adair added.

Don’t back off from doing the hard work of parenting in general, she advised. “Children thrive in families that stay connected to them in real life.”