I’ve been happily married for over 20 years, but there is one issue that always seems to get in the way of our fully enjoying our lives as a couple. The trouble is I’m a social person and my husband isn’t.
Dear Alice,
I’ve been happily married for over 20 years, but there is one issue that always seems to get in the way of our fully enjoying our lives as a couple. The trouble is I’m a social person and my husband isn’t.
Unless my husband is extremely comfortable with another couple, he’d rather not see them socially. I often have to plead with him before he reluctantly — and after much stressful back and forth — agrees to a date. On the other hand, I attend all his important business functions — he’s a successful attorney — with nary a word. He obviously can be charming and engaging if he wants to be.
I don’t want to continue this constant struggle with him about our social life, but it doesn’t seem fair for us to mostly do what he wants and what he feels like doing. I often get angry with him about this, yet I know he is a good, caring husband except for this one area.
I recognize that there is something going on that I don’t fully understand. I would appreciate any help you can give me with this problem.
— Confused
Dear Confused,
Negotiating with one’s spouse can often be more complicated than couples realize. Each partner may have different comfort levels regarding issues, including how to spend their time. Finding ways to negotiate these issues effectively is one of the many challenges of marriage.
Your husband’s ease and ability to socialize when he feels that it is necessary for his career must be a source of frustration for you. However, he recognizes that being engaged and socially connected during business functions are essential to his livelihood. He may enjoy other similar professionals because they have shared experiences that he doesn’t have with your friends. He probably spends as much time with his business associates as he does with you. This certainly may add to his comfort level with them.
Consider the fact that he may be anxious at the social events where you feel at ease, and he is too ashamed to admit this to you. He may also be of the view that he works hard all day and doesn’t want to waste his time with people he considers uninteresting.
However, you have the right to enjoy an active social life as a couple.
Tell him that you don’t want to struggle with him any longer about your social life. State that going forward you will respect his not wanting to socialize with certain people he finds difficult to be with for whatever reason, but that you want to find a compromise regarding the others in your social circle. He may have gotten used to having his way, since you have not strongly and clearly expressed just how important this aspect of your life is to you.
Getting angry with him won’t help resolve your differences; it will only alienate you further, which is the last thing you want. Try to lessen the negativity by agreeing in advance that certain people and gatherings are important to you and, out of respect and love for you, he needs to understand this and be cooperative.
He may need your support when he’s out of his comfort zone. If he seems ill at ease, stay near him at a party.
I also recommend that you have a conversation about what you each want out of life and what gives you joy. This can deepen your connection and enhance your mutual respect and understanding. He may be more willing to agree to a compromise if you meet some of his needs when they don’t deeply conflict with your own.
Remember, marriage is a joint venture, and you both want to feel valued and heard.
— Alice