Are you sure about that? When you ask elementary school students in grades three through five whether they’ve ever been bullied, everyone raises their hand. If the entire grade raises its hand, who exactly is doing the bullying?
By Stephanie Low
Are you sure about that? When you ask elementary school students in grades three through five whether they’ve ever been bullied, everyone raises their hand. If the entire grade raises its hand, who exactly is doing the bullying?
The reality is that most children have bullied someone at some time in their lives, whether they admit to it or not. And the same is probably true about your child. This does not make them bad children. The problem comes when we are unwilling to even consider that our child might be at fault and the provocateur in a situation.
We used to have this fantasy that a child’s life, particularly at the younger ages, was unencumbered — a chance to play, dream, and enjoy being young. These days the reality is very different. There is now an expectation that they come into school ready to read, or at the very least be able to master this skill by the end of kindergarten; and then to strive to master new skills at every grade level.
The problem with raised expectations is they introduce a level of pressure on children that they are ill equipped to handle. These pressures set children up to act out in a variety of ways, including behaving aggressively.
Back to the issue of bullying. At every age it is your child’s developmental task to test boundaries and to see how far they can push before someone pushes back. (You know this from how much they persist when they want something from you. Many children report they pester their parents until they back down, which demonstrates how determined they can be in testing your limits!)
There is always someone who wants to be leader, the person who controls the games, the players, and sets the rules. As they practice all these roles, it is not unusual for some to do it in ways that are unkind and hurtful to others.
When we adults turn a blind eye on the aggressive behaviors of children we leave all children, including our own, unprotected. We are letting our children know that we condone their behavior by ignoring their actions and let them know that it is alright to bully others and create an unsafe environment for their peers. We are also abandoning the other children who feel powerless to tackle the behaviors that will not truly change unless all adults take a moral stand against mistreatment of anyone in the community. Renowned child psychologist and author, Dr. Ron Taffel says that all of the studies show that one of the consistent things that children say they want from adults are boundaries. It creates a feeling of safety for them and shows them there is a thinking adult present in their lives.
I invite you to welcome opportunities to see your children for who they truly are, for their strengths and for their struggles. It is only when we let them struggle that we are able to help them grow into the caring, capable, and successful people we hope they will be.
Stephanie Low has worked in Rye as the elementary school youth advocate for 23 years. You can reach her at stephlowryc@optonline.net.
