The first meeting of the Mothers Organizing Madness (MOM) union was called to order at 1 p.m. by the self-appointed Interim President and Secretary of MOM. Said individual asked for volunteers to replace her in both capacities.
By Annabel Monaghan
Opening:
The first meeting of the Mothers Organizing Madness (MOM) union was called to order at 1 p.m. by the self-appointed Interim President and Secretary of MOM. Said individual asked for volunteers to replace her in both capacities.
Preamble to constitution and adoption of bylaws:
We, the members of MOM, realize that the struggle to better our working and living conditions is in vain unless we are united to protect ourselves collectively against our constantly broadening job description.
Though we live separately, we are united by the bond of carrying out the same repetitive tasks, answering the same questions, tracking down the same jerseys and driving the same circular route each day. We agree that an organized union is necessary to defend effectively our interests and improve our working conditions, if not our wages.
Specifically:
1. Membership is restricted to moms and male adults primarily engaged in caring for children who wish to provide a better working environment for all. We acknowledge that we have half the vote, all the minivans and, therefore, a right to certain accommodations.
2. While we each have the same number of hours in the day, we all have different skills at our disposal and different demands put upon us. We acknowledge that each of us is just trying to do our best, and we agree to endeavor to cut each other some slack.
3. Hereby forbidden:
i. Making value judgments about other members with regard to those who are leaning in, leaning out, or just downright lying down. This includes but is not limited to: those who have too much help, those who do not have enough help, those who work though they don’t seem to need the money, and those who work for free. We agree to stop second-guessing each other’s choices so that we may have more time and energy to focus on our own.
ii. Gossiping about children, their intelligence, their deficiencies, or their promiscuity. All members agree to admit that they were once children, too, and that their children are not above reproach. The term “children” is hereby defined as anyone under the age of 25. We collectively acknowledge that this increase in the length of adolescence is at least partially our fault.
iii. Wearing UGG boots with short skirts.
iv. Using qualifying phrases that are meant to mitigate bad behavior including, “I know this sounds like gossip but…” and “I hate to be shallow but…” If we are going to gossip and be shallow, we pledge to own it.
v. The worship of Gwyneth Paltrow. We agree to accept her as a member should she be interested in joining MOM, but denounce her as our Queen. We will no longer be disheartened thinking we are supposed to work full time, raise children, track down the ingredients for her complicated recipes, and do it all while wearing a pair of size two leather pants.
New Business:
As MOM’s first official act, we shall seek to reclaim the most hallowed of holidays, Mother’s Day. This begins with the ban of all sporting events on said day, including but not limited to soccer, baseball, lacrosse, AAU basketball, the NBA playoffs, and golf in any form, televised or actually played. We stand behind our commitment that these events can be played on Saturday and Monday, just as easily as on Sunday. The Secretary of MOM shared that she was forced to eat her Mother’s Day dinner without the company of her middle son due to the scheduling of 3 (that’s three!) basketball games on Mother’s Day. Let it stand on record that her family does not function effectively without this middle son. Awkward family photo was submitted to the archives as supporting evidence.
MOM is grateful to one mother who has offered to find out if the mothers of Carmelo Anthony and Phil Mickelson may want to join our union and help lead the charge on this important issue.
Closing:
The Secretary made a motion to adjourn at 2:40 p.m. to allow time to beat the rush to elementary school pick up. As the last order of business, the madness of elementary school pick up was added to New Business for the next meeting.