Ask Alice: Be Happy With Whatever Gifts You

I am more disappointed after this Christmas than ever before. I love the holiday festivities, but I continue to focus on my husband’s (and others’) lack of sensitivity demonstrated by their frequently thoughtless gifts.

Dear Alice,
    
I am more disappointed after this Christmas than ever before. I love the holiday festivities, but I continue to focus on my husband’s (and others’) lack of sensitivity demonstrated by their frequently thoughtless gifts.

I’ve been married for ten years and have two children. I stay at home and take care of all my family’s needs. Am I wrong to expect my husband to show me he recognizes that I am a good mother, wife, and homemaker?

The best way for him to do so would be with a special gift for me.

Each year I hint at things I want. I also spend a huge amount of time finding the right gift for each family member and friend. I have always thought that a gift is a wonderful way to tell someone how much you value that person. I believe that people should be thoughtful with their gifts.

This year I was more specific with my husband and said that I wanted a special piece of jewelry. I was hopeful for days. Not only did he ignore my request, he bought us a new car and put a bow on it.

I was also disappointed by the lack of caring and effort that many of my friends’ gifts revealed to me. I know I should be grateful, but am I missing something? I don’t want to focus on disappointment. I want to be on a higher level than that, but I need your help to get beyond my upset.

—Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,    
 
Whenever we think that people “should” do more for us, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. People will do what they are going to do. We have no control over others. I appreciate your frustration with your husband since you asked him specifically for a personal Christmas present.

I suggest that you talk with him about your disappointment and find out what led him to purchase a family car as your gift. He may get defensive, but speak warmly and remain open to his explanation. In the future he may more carefully consider your request. If he is a generally good husband and father, you may choose to overlook this one shortcoming. He may not consider gift-giving to be as important as you do, and you may have to teach him how much a personal gift means to you.

As to your other family and friends, realize that a gift is only one expression of how they show that they value you. Consider each person separately. Is your relationship a meaningful one? Some people give great gifts but are not present in our lives in the ways that we need them to be.

The holidays may represent a difficult time for us. We may recall uncomfortable feelings and experiences that are painful. As adults, we often try to make up for what we didn’t have as children. If we can separate ourselves from the past and see things in the here and now, we can assess our lives more clearly and without old sadness.  My advice is to focus on finding joy with the people you care about, not disappointment with the nature of their gifts.

— Alice