Is bad behavior acceptable? I think most people would respond to that question with a resounding “No”.
By Stephanie Low
Is bad behavior acceptable? I think most people would respond to that question with a resounding “No”.
In light of recent events in Rye, it is understandable that there would be an outcry of upset, outrage, and recriminations. The very idea that we would accept or tolerate the mistreatment or painful actions (emotionally or physically) perpetrated upon another person is outrageous to even consider.
It is time to reflect upon some of the mixed messages we have been communicating to children which shine a light on why making the right choices can often be confusing to children.
It starts when we are young. One of the developmental tasks of children and youth is to question and challenge boundaries. Think about all of the times that we have said ‘no’ or told them they couldn’t do something. Most children will push back and ask why, which is what they should be doing.
Sometimes children accept our responses, but many of them will continue to push, whine, cajole, and be generally unpleasant in an attempt to change our minds. Flexibility on the part of adults is a good thing, because we want to demonstrate to our children that changing one’s position on something when the new ideas have merit is actually a good skill. However, every time we give in to their whining or tantrums, we communicate to them that they don’t have to accept no for an answer since adults can be manipulated into changing their minds. While this may work in their families, it doesn’t work in school or in other places in their lives.
Children require boundaries; they make them feel protected and prepare them to function in an educational system and a world where they will have to follow many rules. They won’t always be able to reflect their gratitude, as evidenced by their scowls and complaints, but we know what they are really saying is “Thanks, Mom/Dad!”
As the elementary school youth advocate employed by the Rye Youth Council, I have worked in Rye for 24 years. In the course of time, I have listened to children, teachers, parents, and administrators and have noticed some common themes throughout. When we send our precious children off to school each day we hope/expect they will be cared for and protected well. We want to know they will be safe from harm, both physical and emotional. We value rules and policies that take bullying seriously, as we should. However, it becomes difficult for some of us to welcome interventions when our child’s behavior and actions come into question.
Our impulses to protect our children are very powerful motivators. In our quest to defend our children we miss out on so many wonderful opportunities to teach them about life. Children are going to make mistakes. A great way for them to benefit from making those mistakes, especially when they are hurtful to others, is to teach them about the impact of their behavior on others. We get to teach them about accepting responsibility, making amends, accepting consequences, and then moving on.
A student recently said, “My mother thinks I am perfect, so I can’t talk to her about anything”. It made me sad for both mother and daughter. The daughter is left in isolation with her struggles and the mom doesn’t have a chance to share her wisdom and help her daughter.
There are so many reasons to value the Rye community, particularly the way in which people help one another in both good and challenging times. It is a community that values success and achievement.
One of the things we have forgotten to value is the benefit of failure. No one would ever intentionally set himself or herself up for failure, but many of us can look back upon life experiences that were at the very least disappointing, sometimes painful, sometimes unbearable. The great news is that we learned how to recover and endure and to discover our strengths from those experiences.
Our children need those opportunities as well. They need to learn that if they don’t do well in school because they didn’t put in the effort, it will reflect in their grades. If they forget something at home, or violate school policies or go along with some of the poor choices their friends make in order to fit in, there will be a natural consequence for their actions.
Recent events in Rye are giving us the opportunity to reflect upon our values as a community. There has been a wide range of response to the reported hazing incident. We have heard many voices express outrage in their conversations with others, in news articles and using social media. We have also heard people say that the incident was “no big deal”, a kind of rite of passage into the popular crowd and that those kids were “asking for it.” (On the reported hazing incident, a Rye High School student speaking to a reporter said, “It’s no big deal. Usually students are paddled and walk away with just a few bruises.”).
In the greater culture of our society we have accepted “initiation rituals” to get into fraternities and sororities. We have athletes and other public figures that are aggressive physically and verbally with few consequences for the behavior. A member of Congress can call the President of the United States a liar during a speech to Congress with no repercussions. Young people are witness to so many of these events and the discourse around them and this can also contribute to the confusion about what is right.
Perhaps it is time to stop making excuses and letting bad behavior slide. It is not serving any of us well, especially our children. Seems to me they should be able to make mistakes and exercise poor judgment, and then learn about the impact of those mistakes on themselves and others and have a chance to learn how to correct them. Maybe if we weren’t so quick to make allowances for poor choices when they were young, we wouldn’t be struggling with the impact of painful and destructive decisions when they get older.
Our community is not perfect and we have many fences to mend. We need to begin the process of reflection and dialogue. Examine our strengths and our shortfalls with honesty and explore our collective values. In doing so we will model something important for our children – that poor choices can lead to lessons learned, new behaviors and standards, amends made, and moving forward. Isn’t that what life is all about?
